Closet Surgery

Content warning: ABA, Ableist Violence, Misgendering, Ableist language, drugs, overall gruesomeness and violence
In an attempt to put into word forum the abuse I experienced while growing up for being autistic, I came up with this
I wake up in fear, every morning, harrowing thoughts of the nightmare before twisted tales that doesn't seem so twisted when I hear them because I know them and I watched them play out. Misgendering, violence degrading all of these I was subject to again, and again so many times that I just lost count. But I fear them, I fear them more than the world, more than death itself for after a lifetime of abuse, death, seems like such a sweet release.
I go to bed in fear, not just of the bipolar that ravages my mind but the Obsessive Compulsive disorder and anxiety occupies the entirety of my mind. No matter where I turn I cannot escape the thoughts, the terror that plagues me. "You are the smartest person I know why?" "Why did you do something so stupid." "You are just overracting why do you have to be emotional." "Why are you crying you stupid stupid boy." The thoughts as I've been forced to ruminate on for years because each time I did something the slightest bit incorrectly I was instrumented, demanded and disciplined until I did it right.
This would be abusive to any child but to an autistic child this was torture, torture so famous that they gave it it's own fancy acronym ABA. Applied Behavior Analysis, the tools of the trade to make your poor autistic son into the shining example of American Masculinity that you want. However to complete this surgery, every day you must destroy and despise every autistic part, show it is not welcome until it lets his spirit go. Ignore his cries and his screams, the fear in his eyes for when it is all over, won't he thank you for being normal?
Never mind that your autistic child will never once during their childhood or teenage years know what peace feels like, what confidence in themselves feel like, what trusting and confiding in others feels like, for they know as the rest of us know, they are worthless. The best part is that not only can you engage in this, but your children can also engage in tearing the flesh from their bones because autism can't infect the skeleton can it? No it is only a genetic defect, something that can be destroyed so work harder in earnest, soon it will be over. Also don't forget that an essential part of this process is to never let them know about being autistic, bar them from all sources that tell them what this is because talking about it, gives it a name and we can't have that. If we ignore it, it will go away after our hide and seek game gets boring.
Why, why are you so angry? We followed the book exactly, we tore you apart, your mangled limbs hanging from a thread but why are you angry with us? Clearly, you know that this is the best for you as was every time we stripped away those people that you got close to because you know, they were filthy whores anyway. Just as a mouse might push a lever 2,000 times for one dose of cocaine, we will lead you through small, rare compliments so you can love us, while you know that our love can only happen when the dirt covers your corpse.
We could talk more but ah it is time to grab the saws and continue cutting as fast as we can to kill the Autistic man, we will succeed one day and God will smile on our faces and tell us that it was not all in vain for you have succeeded in killing off the woman that you could have known for the body of that who you wanted

The Damaging Effects of Mormon Ableist Methodology and Teachings on Disabled Individuals

Content: Discussions ableism, cutting, suicidal thoughts, depression, internalized ableism

As a person who grew up in the LDS faith, I did not originally see a lot of the ableism that was perpetuated through the practices and teachings throughout the church. I hope to give a perspective as someone from the outside and the inside of not knowing I was disabled and being disabled at the same time and how that influenced the experiences I had.

When listening to the various talks and teaching throughout any regular church week or general conference, they are an astounding amount of references to the abstract concept of perfection. Some of these are taken from the Bible, but it is really become a integral part of the Mormon teachings. For those who are unfamiliar with some of the older teachings, when Joseph Smith and co were being chased from state to state, he stated that Jackson County Missouri is the location of where Eden was and will be the site of the new Zion or as the 10th article of Faith calls it, the new Jerusalem. Much like the city of Enoch in the bible that was taken to heaven due to their righteousness, they believe that Zion will be a city that is similar and thus needs perfection so they aren't killed off during the Second Coming.

This is further cemented by the constant calls of prophets that the time is now and patriarchal blessings that have proclaimed that some individuals living now will be alive during the second coming, and even some lesser known teachings saying that the Mormon prophet who will be presiding during the second coming is alive now. These teachings fit nicely into the resurrection will cure everything about your body and make you perfect. Just work a little harder and you will be perfect, you will not have this disability anymore, which as one would imagine, makes it very hard to talk about systems of ableism, especially in a space that is very sexist, racist, classist, and heteronormative. We need to cure ourselves, like a woman in my parents' ward claimed to do with her autistic child, so they can experience this enlightenment. Disability is a challenge from God to help us, not something that people will experience in other "exalted spheres." I remember a talk where a father publicly morned for the ablebody daughter he didn't have, effectively resented the Cerebral Palsy daughter he had, that what he wanted from her could never happen in front of her and proclaimed his love for Christ because she could not be disabled after death. A disgusting rendition proving his love for the long lost daughter that he viewed as a child

Propped up by the constant healing narratives in the church in almost every General Conference or Ensign, the church magazine, from ablebodies resisting disability and the disabled experience, or even a disabled critique seems impossible.

This perfection is both of righteousness and actions that are perceived to influence it. This form of perfection also spills over to bodies. In ordinances, one is supposed to be quiet and listen and when performing it, supposed to have clean, fluid movements. These are clearly not always accessible for physically disabled individuals and some who are physically transabled or even for ablebodies. The shame associated with messing up actions or not understanding what a certain action can mean can cause massive internalized ableism, a hatred of the self for not being able to be not disabled, and can also cause OCD and PTSD in individuals.

This issues become compounded with the constant drive for missionary work. Every coercively assigned male is supposed to serve a mission, has been a key concept of the church since it's beginning with specific mentions in the Book of Mormon but has been recently highlighted in the last 40 years since President Kimball. Because of this, Mormon culture dictates that women should always try to marry an RM, or a returned missionary. Those who choose not to or cannot, not only have guilt that has been pounded in them since they were 4 singing "I hope they call me on a mission," but are looked down upon as lost members that need to be brought back, selfish individuals that think that they know better than God

This has specific implications for those that are disabled. First, is that since the Mormon culture is incredibly judgemental, it doesn't matter what the reason you don't go is. This forces many missionaries will mental and emotional disabilities to try and force themselves to go when it is not healthy for them. Some can pull through it but I have known 2 individuals that decided to go and were forced to come back due to depression and suicidal thoughts. I'll come back to how the Mormon response to mental illness is problematic later in this post. Individuals who come back are stigmatized possibly even more than those that choose not to go in the first place, as being rejects that, unless you know the person, are assumed to have come back because they were too attached to Facebook or confessed to sexual sins. Thus the disabled person finds themselves in a double bind.

For those of us who never had a chance of going, like my Bipolar OCD Autistic self, or others that whether for physical disabilities or others, it is not only a sign of weakness, it is seen as a lack of faith regardless if you can't walk or stutter, you have to do it. As a 14 year old depressed person, I had been brought into the bishop's office for cutting. (This would've been a bit more awkward if I hadn't already been seeing him for 2 years because of the perceived evil of masturbation, that I used as a coping tool to help with depression but I digress.) Instead of trying to help me with the depression, I was told 2 things, first, that God can help you overcome this and second that I was mutilating my body and would not be permitted to take the sacrament for 2 weeks. I was punished very clearly in a very public setting for being disabled for something I could not control and on top of that, I was told that I wasn't doing enough for God to help me.

This lead into a part of my life of spiritual obsessionism. Within the next 3 years, I had read the Book of Mormon at least 10 times and the Doctrine and Covenants. With OCD plaguing my mind with obsessive sexual thoughts, I obsessively began reciting Helaman 5:12 in my head over and over, bashing against the walls of my OCD, "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

If I believed hard enough, I was supposed to be able to overcome this. This also spilled over into the handling of my first psychologist who refused to give me medications, and instead gave me placebos. You need to eat better and exercise I was told when I was having a hard enough time keeping my emotions together. I never got better and through a pediatrician, 3 psychologists, 2 psychiatrists and a brain scan, nothing changed. I remember when I was 17 telling my dad that I'm not sure if I could handle this, though I can't remember the exact words being met with the remark, you have to hold it together or we will institutionalize you. There is no peace, no love here. Just be better. Let alone the fact that I wasn't told I was autistic until I was 17 because my parents believed I would use it as an excuse. You just have to overcome it, and when I failed, you are so smart, why did you do this?, as if book smarts and memorization could dictate actions that are not at all associated. I cut in 4 sessions during my stay there and had 4 times that I wanted and tried to take my life because I was never good enough for them. No wonder why there is such an incredible suicide rate among disabled youth especially in the church

It is all part of the super crip mentality that is propagated in society and used for the fulfillment of the church. If this person can do this impossible task, then certainly you nondisabled person can do good things too. In the film 17 miracles, there is particular mention of Albert, a disabled male that his impairment resulted in him being much shorter and necessarily needing crutches. We are sold his experience as you can do amazing things too, but we never hear anytime about him talking about his impairment, just that he overcame it

This is far from an isolated incident. In my parent's home ward, Mike is a disabled man in a wheelchair. He was a football star that got shot in the chest at 15 by a friend with a police pistol. He on to receive 2 Gold medals and 1 Silver Medal at the Paraolympics. I think the title of his book explains a lot of this type of thinking:  Shot Happens: I Got Shot What's Your Problem? He becomes an inspiration someone that overcame the odds but never can he complain or critique the notions of society because God has everything happen for a reason. And the Church is the one true church, so any criticism is met with extremely harsh punishment.

I could go on much farther how my Bisexuality and Gender Identity have been influenced in the church and the type of violence associated with those, but I'll reserve those for another time