Content warning: ABA, Ableist Violence, Misgendering, Ableist language, drugs, overall gruesomeness and violence
In an attempt to put into word forum the abuse I experienced while growing up for being autistic, I came up with this
I wake up in fear, every morning, harrowing thoughts of the nightmare before twisted tales that doesn't seem so twisted when I hear them because I know them and I watched them play out. Misgendering, violence degrading all of these I was subject to again, and again so many times that I just lost count. But I fear them, I fear them more than the world, more than death itself for after a lifetime of abuse, death, seems like such a sweet release.
I go to bed in fear, not just of the bipolar that ravages my mind but the Obsessive Compulsive disorder and anxiety occupies the entirety of my mind. No matter where I turn I cannot escape the thoughts, the terror that plagues me. "You are the smartest person I know why?" "Why did you do something so stupid." "You are just overracting why do you have to be emotional." "Why are you crying you stupid stupid boy." The thoughts as I've been forced to ruminate on for years because each time I did something the slightest bit incorrectly I was instrumented, demanded and disciplined until I did it right.
This would be abusive to any child but to an autistic child this was torture, torture so famous that they gave it it's own fancy acronym ABA. Applied Behavior Analysis, the tools of the trade to make your poor autistic son into the shining example of American Masculinity that you want. However to complete this surgery, every day you must destroy and despise every autistic part, show it is not welcome until it lets his spirit go. Ignore his cries and his screams, the fear in his eyes for when it is all over, won't he thank you for being normal?
Never mind that your autistic child will never once during their childhood or teenage years know what peace feels like, what confidence in themselves feel like, what trusting and confiding in others feels like, for they know as the rest of us know, they are worthless. The best part is that not only can you engage in this, but your children can also engage in tearing the flesh from their bones because autism can't infect the skeleton can it? No it is only a genetic defect, something that can be destroyed so work harder in earnest, soon it will be over. Also don't forget that an essential part of this process is to never let them know about being autistic, bar them from all sources that tell them what this is because talking about it, gives it a name and we can't have that. If we ignore it, it will go away after our hide and seek game gets boring.
Why, why are you so angry? We followed the book exactly, we tore you apart, your mangled limbs hanging from a thread but why are you angry with us? Clearly, you know that this is the best for you as was every time we stripped away those people that you got close to because you know, they were filthy whores anyway. Just as a mouse might push a lever 2,000 times for one dose of cocaine, we will lead you through small, rare compliments so you can love us, while you know that our love can only happen when the dirt covers your corpse.
We could talk more but ah it is time to grab the saws and continue cutting as fast as we can to kill the Autistic man, we will succeed one day and God will smile on our faces and tell us that it was not all in vain for you have succeeded in killing off the woman that you could have known for the body of that who you wanted
In an attempt to put into word forum the abuse I experienced while growing up for being autistic, I came up with this
I wake up in fear, every morning, harrowing thoughts of the nightmare before twisted tales that doesn't seem so twisted when I hear them because I know them and I watched them play out. Misgendering, violence degrading all of these I was subject to again, and again so many times that I just lost count. But I fear them, I fear them more than the world, more than death itself for after a lifetime of abuse, death, seems like such a sweet release.
I go to bed in fear, not just of the bipolar that ravages my mind but the Obsessive Compulsive disorder and anxiety occupies the entirety of my mind. No matter where I turn I cannot escape the thoughts, the terror that plagues me. "You are the smartest person I know why?" "Why did you do something so stupid." "You are just overracting why do you have to be emotional." "Why are you crying you stupid stupid boy." The thoughts as I've been forced to ruminate on for years because each time I did something the slightest bit incorrectly I was instrumented, demanded and disciplined until I did it right.
This would be abusive to any child but to an autistic child this was torture, torture so famous that they gave it it's own fancy acronym ABA. Applied Behavior Analysis, the tools of the trade to make your poor autistic son into the shining example of American Masculinity that you want. However to complete this surgery, every day you must destroy and despise every autistic part, show it is not welcome until it lets his spirit go. Ignore his cries and his screams, the fear in his eyes for when it is all over, won't he thank you for being normal?
Never mind that your autistic child will never once during their childhood or teenage years know what peace feels like, what confidence in themselves feel like, what trusting and confiding in others feels like, for they know as the rest of us know, they are worthless. The best part is that not only can you engage in this, but your children can also engage in tearing the flesh from their bones because autism can't infect the skeleton can it? No it is only a genetic defect, something that can be destroyed so work harder in earnest, soon it will be over. Also don't forget that an essential part of this process is to never let them know about being autistic, bar them from all sources that tell them what this is because talking about it, gives it a name and we can't have that. If we ignore it, it will go away after our hide and seek game gets boring.
Why, why are you so angry? We followed the book exactly, we tore you apart, your mangled limbs hanging from a thread but why are you angry with us? Clearly, you know that this is the best for you as was every time we stripped away those people that you got close to because you know, they were filthy whores anyway. Just as a mouse might push a lever 2,000 times for one dose of cocaine, we will lead you through small, rare compliments so you can love us, while you know that our love can only happen when the dirt covers your corpse.
We could talk more but ah it is time to grab the saws and continue cutting as fast as we can to kill the Autistic man, we will succeed one day and God will smile on our faces and tell us that it was not all in vain for you have succeeded in killing off the woman that you could have known for the body of that who you wanted
